The Alexander Report

By Alison Finch

If somebody asked you whether you’d like to be an assertive woman, most of you would probably say yes, but only after a few moments’ thought. Of course, a few would say “I am already!”, but far more would say things like “it depends what you mean” or “I’m not sure”. Only a tiny minority would actually say no.

What do these reactions tell us?

Many women feel that the word “assertive” sounds aggressive, even though they know that it really isn’t supposed to be. The thought of being assertive is therefore not very feminine. It’s as if – by being assertive – they would become less attractive, lacking in empathy and kindness, a bit too “in your face”, rather grabby, mean, serious and, well, not very likeable at all!

So how do you learn to stand up for what you believe in, retain your femininity, state your desires clearly, and get your own way when you deserve to do so?

It’s very important to make a clear distinction between being assertive and being aggressive. And not just in a look-it-up-in-a-dictionary sort of way.

Dictionaries will tell you that “assert” means to put oneself forward boldly and insistently. This is certainly a skill that an assertive woman possesses, but aggressive women can do this too. Perhaps this goes some way to explaining why aggressive women sometimes give assertive women a tainted reputation!

The verb “to assert” is also defined as “to state as true; affirm; declare; to maintain or defend in a moral sense such as your right to something”. And in this rather tedious list lies a clue to help us make that useful distinction. (more…)